Is It Ok To Be Angry With God

I have wondered this often. Is it ok to be angry with God? When I first found out about my PH I was scared. I could not understand why God was allowing this to happen to me. It seemed that my life was one big problem. I was not happy and had not been happy in many years. Maybe I had never really been happy ever in my life. I was going through a divorce and trying to raise two kids on my own. I was working long hours and doing the best I could for my kids. Then I got sick. Why was God allowing this to happen to me?

At the time I was attending church and living as close to God as I was able to at the time. Why does it seem that everyone else is so happy and things go there way. Why could good things never happen to me. When was God going to give me my break. I felt so alone. I had people who I thought were my friends. I soon found out who my true friends were. I found that I really didn't have anyone that I could count on. Both my mom and dad were helping as much as they could.

I stopped going to church. I felt I didn't have a church where people really cared about me. I had been in that church for a long time and no one even called to see how I was doing when they found out I was sick. I was very hurt by that. It showed me once again that no one cared about me. If it wasn't for my two kids I honestly don't know what would have happened. I just did things that I knew were wrong. I just wanted the pain to go away. I could not understand why God was allowing me to have to deal with so much. One time my sister in law told me that God knew I could handle a lot cause I always had to deal with so much.

Why me, why did I have to be the one who always had bad things happen to me. I know of the things I brought on myself with decisions that I made. I never felt I fitted in anywhere. That maybe me being born was a mistake and I was having to pay for the fact that I was born. That God was going to throw as much at me as he could. That he didn't care about me he was trying to destroy me. I never understood why God didn't just let me die instead of going through all of this. Had I done something so terrible when I was a child and now as an adult I was having to pay for it.

I was depressed and no one cared. No one ever said to me that I seemed depressed. Looking back now I see that I was so much depressed. I never thought of suicide. I knew if I ever tried anything like that I would go to hell. I didn't want to go to hell but I was angry with God. I would watch people around me and they all seemed to happy. I didn't know what I had to do to be happy. I didn't know what happy felt like. Feeling that way and now having to deal with PH. What are the odds that I would get something so rare. Why me God, why me?

I felt so out of place even with my own family. I had family members who didn't even think twice about checking on me after I got sick. I got to the point that I either had to rise above all of it or I was going to die and where would that leave me kids. My kids are a huge reason that I fight everyday. If something happened to me who would take care of my kids. No one could take care of my kids the way I could. No one would love them the way I do.

I made peace with God and now I trust him in ever area of my life. He has helped me deal with so many things. There are still days that are hard. God has given me so many blessings. I have learned how to deal with my PH. None of this would have been possible without God. Next time I will talk a little bit about the blessings that have come to me as a result of my PH.